Neighbor wars: escalation

"Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo" (thetomselleck) 12/04/2016 at 17:35 • Filed to: None

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I have commented on him before, but the summation is thusly: my next door neighbor fancies himself as something of the neighborhood watchdog. He has called the City multiple times on other neighbors for things he didn’t like (though two instances were justified — I’m just never the type to call the city about *someone else’s* property). Every interaction I’ve had with him has been an attempt on his part to gather information on us, or take jabs at us. He has the same fomula: start with small talk then quickly spin to “so I noticed that...”

He has made comments about my trees, my lawn, my cars, my parking, my dog, pretty much anything I own. This is the same man who complained I parked too close his property, in spite of being completely on my own property. He made comments on the parking quality of my wife’s best friend — again, though squarely on my property.

Friday, I parked my work truck in the alley, but again, squarely on my property. I predicted I would hear from him, and I did later while getting my mail.

“I noticed your truck parked out back.”
“What about it?”
“Nothing, just noticed.”
“Well it’s not there now. Is there something wrong?”
“No, no...”

And then today. Today I was at wits’ end.

I do my usual parking ju-jitsu that I have to do at the end of the weekend, swapping my Tercel in the garage with the Taco on the street, as my wife was on her way home and she needs to be in first (single wide driveway) because I leave first in the morning so blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah Anyway, he pops out of his house and approaches me again.

“How’s it going?”
“Good, how are you?”
“You got 4 cars now?”
“Well this is company vehicle.”
“No — you got 4 cars now.”
[he actually holds up four fingers and gestures towards me]
“Sure do.”
[I get back in my vehicle]

After I finish parking, he approaches me — again.”

“So how are things going?”
“Good.”
“So this is your car now?”
[he points at my Tercel]
“Sure is.”
“You got 4 cars now.”
“Yes, and I used to have six, so I consider this a downgrade.”
“... I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. What?”
“I said, I used to have six cars. These four are all good cars and in legal standing on my property.”
“Oh okay. I was just asking the question. I was just asking about your cars, but I’ll make sure and never ask about your cars again.”
“Ok.”
“Have a good day.”
“Thanks.”

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 17:42

0

Sounds like you’ve got yourself a Gladys Kravitz.

bob and john > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 17:42

7

“So you have 4 cars now”

yea man,. You should see my gun collection too!

That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 17:45

0

That’s a dumb damn conversation. I’m thankful my neighbors are either cool or at the very least mind their own business.

Svart Smart, traded in his Smart > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 17:49

3

He sounds like an asshole.

TylerLinner > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 17:50

1

You got four questions now?

Edit: I guess at that point my response might be to stare back at him blankly until he walks away. He probably gets off on rustlin’ your jimmies.

 > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 17:51

1

“You got 4 cars now.”

You jelly.

My bird IS the word > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 17:51

9

Reply with “I notice you make probing observations as if to ask a question without having the conviction to actually follow through.”

Enginerrrrrrrrr > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 17:53

8

I would park as close to his property as possible without violating anything. Every damn time.

Screw that guy.

jkm7680 > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 17:53

0

Just do the same thing he does to you.

Just walk up to him and say “Howdy partner, notice your grass is about a quarter of a centimeter longer than it usually is” and shit like that.

whoarder is tellurium > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 17:54

1

“What part of downgrade don’t you understand? 6 to 4 motherf*cker!”

Deal Killer - Powered by Focus > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 17:55

1

See, I like all my neighbors, except this one family across the street from my house. The husband has been pitching gum on my drive-way from his car as he drives by, so i have dozens of spots on my concrete apron. Do you know how hard it is to get gum off of concrete? Very hard. These people are the bane of neighborhood. There are very few people which I wish ill will on, but I’m really hoping I see a foreclosure notice on the front of their home someday soon. It would be thrilling. 

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 17:56

0

Sounds like my former neighbor. What a prick.

Clemsie McKenzie > Enginerrrrrrrrr 12/04/2016 at 18:10

4

Me and my parents have delt with crazy neighbors. You don’t want to do that. When your pride and joy is keyed, you might be in the right and get lawful retribution, it is still keyed.

unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 18:11

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Hey neighbor I just noticed there’s an asshole on you property. So you’ve got one legal asshole on your property. Looks like a pretty big asshole. Is that legal by the way. It would be a shame to report such a giant asshole. You have a total of one asshole now right? I won’t ask about your assholes ever again, asshole.

Steve in Manhattan > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 18:13

2

A long time ago, when I lived in rural MD, I played this game.

You need to find something(s) he’s doing wrong, some violation, and call the city/county. Make his life a living fucking hell. That might cure him.

And how is parking in front of his house, on a public street, a violation? We had a neighbor like that when I was a kid, so as a teenager, I parked my shitty Volvo in front of his house with relish!

Berang > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 18:13

0

“you’ve got four cars now”

*look over shoulder at cars* “Is that what those are?” (do best bill murray voice crack impersonation)

Berang > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 18:14

2

paint numbers on them

Enginerrrrrrrrr > Clemsie McKenzie 12/04/2016 at 18:20

1

True... but my car is old and a bit crappy so I have zero fucks when it comes to any exterior damage. I especially enjoy parking as close as possible to people who decide to take multiple spots.

If your neighbors are truly crazy, a camera system isn’t too expensive...

GhostZ > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 19:03

1

Next time he bothers you with something, tell him you’ll call the city over harassment on your property. The knife cuts both ways, tell him he’s ruining the neighborhood by pestering people about everything he dislikes, even though they aren’t breaking the law.

HammerheadFistpunch > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 19:07

7

This is one of those situations where I go full confusion tactic

“So you have 4 cars now”

*looks at watch* No is like 630.

“No I said...”

You should get a watch, I like Casio personally, though timex has its perks. Anyway good talk I gotta go

Dru > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 19:13

1

He sounds organically awkward in social settings.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Dru 12/04/2016 at 19:14

1

Perhaps in the written form, but I assure you: his mannerisms and body language are calculated.

Quadradeuce > Clemsie McKenzie 12/04/2016 at 19:24

3

Yeah, be the bigger person and don’t escalate. It just leads to your own misery. Let them be miserable on their own.

Svend > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 19:26

2

Next time he says,

“I noticed your truck out back”,

Just reply,

“I noticed you over there”.

If he replies,

“what?”,

reply,

“sorry, I thought we were pointing out things we saw that aren’t there anymore but somewhere else”.

Make a point of ignoring him. If he says hi, look up say hi and then walk away even if he’s still talking.

My favourite is to wear some headphones. When he says hi, ignore him till he says it louder after a few times, then lift one ear, say hi then put it down again, he’ll have to keep talking loudly but only every now and then lift a headphone say what, then put it down again. Eventually they get the message and leave you alone.

MM54 > Berang 12/04/2016 at 19:29

3

Or magnets. Get a huge “1" “2" and “4" and see how long before he can’t take it and asks about #3.

Dru > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 19:49

0

Sounds like weird dude either way. Is he older? I live around a bunch of retired folks and they’re not even that assholeish.

McMike > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 19:56

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“You know, I noticed that you are little awkward and very, very nosy”

“Yeah, and?”

“Nothing, I just noticed.”

vicali > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 20:18

6

“You got 4 cars now”

Options;

-’yeah, they’re pretty cool right?’

-’I’m kind of a big deal on Oppo.’

-’shhh, they’re sleeping’

-I’m trying to collect them all’

vicali > vicali 12/04/2016 at 20:19

2

- ‘I HAVE four cars now.’

Batman the Horse > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 20:41

0

Is this guy retired? Sounds like he has a LOT of time on his hands.

Tazio, Count Fouroff > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/04/2016 at 23:12

1

Personally the urge would be overwhelming to say, “I’ve been noticing you’re a complete jacka$$”

Tristan > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/05/2016 at 00:39

3

My across-the-street neighbors have made passive aggressive comments about my constant influx/outflow of cars. They’re nice folks, but as owners of a beige base model GMC Canyon and an even beiger Avalon, it’s safe to say they aren’t down with the 24' travel trailer (with classy blue tarp!), 2 Jeeps and a ‘57 Studebaker hanging around. The good news for them is that I’ll probably be buying a Suburban tomorrow.

Mid Engine > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/05/2016 at 13:02

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Seattle, the new Florida..

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > My bird IS the word 12/05/2016 at 14:59

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This, do this. This is good advice, and to add to this; Make sure to hold eye contact the whole time you’re speaking to him and awaiting his reply.

Party-vi > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/05/2016 at 15:02

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I need this gif in my life. Thank you.

TysMagic > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 12/05/2016 at 15:04

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I’ve been watching a lot of Gilmore Girls so excuse the reference, but he sounds like Taylor from that show